The holidays are almost here. Stores are filling with lights, calendars are filling with gatherings, and many of us are already thinking about who will sit around our table.
But for someone who has lost a loved one, this season can feel very different. An empty chair, a favorite recipe nobody else makes quite right, a song on the radio. Small things can open a big ache.
If someone you love is grieving this year, you may be wondering what to say or do. The good news is that you don’t need perfect words. You just need to show up with love.
“Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”
Romans 12:15 (KJV)
Remember: Grief Isn’t Something to Fix
J. Kim Penberthy, a clinical psychologist and professor of psychiatry and neurobehavioral sciences at the University of Virginia, offered this gentle reminder in an article published by PBS NewsHour: “Remember that grief is not a problem to be solved, but a process to be supported.”
That takes the pressure off. Your job isn’t to make the sadness go away. It’s to keep your friend company in it.
Six Simple Ways to Help
1. Listen more than you talk
Experts at Utah State University Extension encourage being a steady presence who listens without judging, rather than minimizing someone’s feelings or rushing in with advice. Sometimes the kindest thing you can say is, “I’m here. Tell me about it.”
2. Say their loved one’s name
Many people avoid mentioning the person who died because they’re afraid of causing tears. But Penberthy suggests naming the loss directly instead of tiptoeing around it. Sharing a happy memory, like “I keep thinking about your mom’s laugh at last year’s dinner,” can be a precious gift.
3. Offer help that is specific
“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but it puts the work on the grieving person. Try something concrete instead. As Penberthy writes, “Assisting with tasks like cooking, shopping or child care can relieve some of the burden.” You might say:
- “I’m making a grocery run Saturday. Can I pick up your list?”
- “Can I bring a meal over Tuesday night?”
- “Would it help if I took the kids to look at Christmas lights one evening?”
- “Can I help you wrap gifts or address cards?”
4. Skip the easy phrases
Sayings like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” are usually meant kindly. But Penberthy notes, “While the intentions behind them are often good, these platitudes can feel dismissive.” It’s perfectly fine to be honest and say, “I don’t know what to say, but I love you and I’m sorry.”
5. Invite, but don’t pressure
Your friend may want to join your holiday gathering, or they may not. Utah State University Extension suggests including grieving people in plans while accepting it if they say no or change their minds at the last minute. Keep the door open with no guilt attached. It also helps to talk ahead of time about what the day might look like, so there are fewer surprises.
6. Keep checking in
Don’t stop after one visit or one card. The Utah State team recommends checking in regularly and sending heartfelt cards or letters. They also remind us that grief has no set timeline. Someone might struggle this year even if last year seemed easier.
Ideas for Honoring a Loved One Together
If your friend is open to it, you could gently offer a way to remember the person they miss. Always let them lead. A few ideas:
- Light a candle at the table in their memory
- Cook their favorite holiday dish together
- Look through photos and share stories
- Give a gift to a cause their loved one cared about
When More Help Is Needed
Grief is a normal part of loving someone, but sometimes it becomes too heavy to carry alone. Both Penberthy and the Utah State team encourage suggesting a grief counselor, therapist or support group when a person needs more support. You might ask your church or a local hospice whether they host a grief group this season.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, in the United States you can call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Outside the U.S., please contact your local emergency or crisis services.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect
Walking with a grieving friend can feel awkward, and you may worry about getting it wrong. But love that shows up imperfectly is still love. A text, a meal, a hug, or a quiet hour on the couch can remind someone that they are not alone, and that God has not forgotten them either.
Through every storm, we rise together.
Have you ever been comforted by a friend during a hard holiday season? What did they do that helped the most? Share in the comments.
Sources: PBS NewsHour / The Conversation, J. Kim Penberthy, “How to support grieving loved ones at the holidays” (Dec 16, 2024); Utah State University Extension, “Managing Grief During the Holidays – Ask an Expert” (Dec 22, 2023); SAMHSA, 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (accessed Oct 30, 2026); Romans 12:15 KJV
Leave a Reply